Hopeless Romantic

Hopeless Romantics believe in passion, chivalry, and true love. They have loved sincerely at one point in their life, discovered what love feels like, and continue to love everyone they meet. Hopeless Romantics are usually dreamers or idealists. They are in love with love. They live for happy endings and base their lives on fairy tales and romantic comedies. They are constantly getting their hearts broken and dealing with disappointments. The reason I know this is because I have been a hopeless romantic my entire life. I was "that girl" who saved fabric swatches in shoeboxes just incase I needed a sample of my wedding colors one day, or I wouldn't play house unless I was the mom because I wanted to be the only in the game who got to have husband, but probably the most pathetic thing I ever did as a child was if I was ever in the car during a thunderstorm I would gaze out the window longingly pretending like I was Annie James from Parent Trap returning home to London... But if you can believe it, I have gotten worse with age... I record every movie on Lifetime, I only read books where the characters live "happily ever after", and when I see an elderly couple I almost always introduce myself, ask them how long they've been married, and insist they tell me the story of how they met. Being a hopeless romantic can be whimsical or magical at times, but it has also had a very negative effect on my life as well. I set bars extremely high for myself and for other people, at almost unreachable heights, and have been let down many times. I always expect scenarios in my life to turn out like how they do in movies. The girl gets reunited with her long lost father, she lands the promotion at work, she meets the man of her dreams, and not only do they have 2 perfect children together, they also happen to live in a 2 story cottage on the countryside, with a cocker spaniel named Lucy. Let's just say I won't be getting a dog anytime soon...

I want to relate this trait of mine to my topic of choice over the past couple months. Although there are a lot of negative side effects that go along with being a hopeless romantic, I also love this about myself! It makes life interesting. However, as of late, I've tend to drift away from this mindset and have become almost bitter towards it. Especially with the Christmas season in full swing there is so much love in the air, and I'm just not feeling it. I've always loved Christmas, but for the past three years I've experienced Christmas in a new light. It's been about walking through the malls holding hands, sharing hot cocoa, exchanging gifts with that someone special, and cuddling by the fireplace... now I look at couples who are happy and experiencing that same joy that I had felt in prior years and I hate them! Now I know that's not a very nice thing to say, but I told you all I was going to be honest while writing this blog... I see the pictures of adorable text messages on Instagram and I don't like them on purpose. Or when I'm flipping through the channels and there is a cheesy holiday chick flick on about a girl who finds her soul mate on Christmas Eve, I change it...I can't even watch The Grinch or Scrooge because even those movies have happy endings. I've turned into this grumpy jerk who doesn't think anyone should have love because she doesn't. I must say, it is comforting knowing that there are a lot of other single girls out there who are going through the exact same situation as me, who are just as bitter as I am. But this isn't who I am and this isn't who I want to be... I need to find a way to love the little things again. 

This is the part of the post where I would normally come up with a solution to this problem...but I got nothing. I'm looking for suggestions! Is this just a phase that everyone goes through after a break up? Will I eventually move past the anger and not cringe whenever I pass a jewelry store? I'm assuming it just takes time...but I thought I'd ask to be sure. Like I said before I want to be a role model for other girls who are going through tough break-ups but I don't have all the answers. I can only teach on the lessons that I have learned, and I am still struggling through this one... 

The Follow-Up

It has been five weeks since my last post. If you refer back to that post I told all of you that I was going to be more consistent with my blog and post on it more frequently. I honestly thought I was going to be able to follow through with that statement, but I was so overwhelmed by the amazing feedback I received that I had no idea how to follow that post.

I feel that a follow-up post is needed. I'm not sure how many readers I have, but for the people that did read my last entry and have continued to support me and pray for me, I want to fill you in on the many successes and failures I've had over the past five weeks. Now, thhis is going to have to be gradual. There are so many ups and downs and moments that I want to share with you and am willing to share with you, but I don't want to overwhelm you and give it to you all at once. So I am going to begin by sharing one of the largest obstacles I've had, and that is the fear of being alone...

Every day is a challenge. Being independent and figuring out who I am as an individual is a lot more difficult than I had anticipated. You don't realize how much you depend on or rely on someone until they aren't there for you anymore. When I first started on this "Journey to Independence"there were a lot of lonely days and terrifying nights. I would find myself trying to fill that void in my life by constantly being surrounded by people. If I was home alone for more than 10 minutes, I'd get in my car and just drive to the mall, because I knew I wouldn't be alone there. Although I have quite a few acquaintances, I only have a small handful of really close friends, and if those friends couldn't make themselves available to me I'd become filled with anxiety. The thought of being alone is one of my biggest fears. I'd sit awake at night praying to God, telling Him that I am willing to be patient as long as I am 100% certain that He has someone out there specifically designed for me. That way I'd know I wouldn't be lonely forever. When the clocks strike 11:11 I'd wish for more friendships. It sounds almost naive and a little pathetic, but in my eyes, the more friends that I had, the less sad I'd be. Now I realize that this is unhealthy. Although I have the most amazing best friends and a family who would move mountains to be there for me, I shouldn't need them in order to make it through my day. It is okay to be alone at times, I believe it's actually encouraged! However, sitting by myself in silence causes my mind to wander and I start to worry and become stressed. So over the past few weeks I have turned alone time into God time. Whether that's reading my bible or journalling, I'm still technically by myself, but I am being comforted knowing that God is right there with me. These moments between me and God have been so powerful. I'm learning things about Him and about myself that I didn't even know I was missing. I chose Jeremiah 29:11 as my Life Verse at a very young age. For those of you that don't know; it says, "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"I have probably read that verse a thousand times, but always out of context. A couple of days ago God laid Jeremiah on my heart. This time however, instead of only reading verse 11, I decided to read all of Chapter 29. Upon doing this I discovered that the most powerful words in this chapter aren't in verse 11, they are in fact in verses 12 through 14. God continues to say, "'Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you' ..." Now I realize I have sort of gone astray from the beginning of this paragraph, but we need to pause and have a little "come-to-Jesus" moment. God literally says I am listening to you, and if you want me in your life that bad then I will be there for you. So yes, God knows my future and knows the plans that He has for me, but He has also just promised that He is going to keep me in the loop of what's going on and He will never abandon me! So cool right?! So I don't need to feel alone, or worried, or scared, because the King of Kings, The Messiah has got my back. 

I think I am going to stop here. I have so much more that I want to share, but like I said, I want to spread it out so I don't overwhelm you. This experience has turned me into somewhat of a role model for other girls going through a similar situation. There has been at least three occurrences since my last post where someone has come to me looking for guidance, so I hope that this post has encouraged you and showed you that you're not alone. Even when it feels like your world is crashing all around you, you can always count on one constant in your life, and that is God. He loves you, He is jealous for you, and He wants nothing more than to walk you through your suffering if you're willing to let Him. 

Begin Again

It has been awhile since I sat down to write a blog post. My last entry was over a month ago. It's not because I was lazy or had lost interest in the idea of blogging, I think I just assumed that I would use my blog to show readers what a day in my "perfect" life looked like, and it turned out to be quite the opposite. I wanted to post about love and happiness and beauty and fashion and friends and family, but leave all of the negatives out. I always looked at blogging as a diary. A diary that you aren't afraid to show others. A journal that doesn't have a lock and a key. However, when things in my life got messy, I felt embarrassed. I no longer wanted to let people in and get a front row seat to what really goes on in my life. I put on this act like I'm overwhelmingly confident, and I have a perfect family, tons of friends, and I have my life all put together, but in reality I have none of those things. I feel as though I need to completely start over. When I began writing this blog I was in a completely different place than I am now. I have had a lot of changes happen over the past month and it's time for a fresh start. Before I post anymore music videos, beauty tips, or random facts, I feel like I need to share this new version of me that I am becoming. I need to begin again. 

Three years ago I was an awkward, insecure 16 year old who wanted one thing and one thing only. True Love. I had never been in love before. I had never even had a boyfriend! I had no idea what love was like, but I knew that I wanted it. I wanted to be like the girls in the movies who have summer love, or kiss the quarterback after the homecoming game, or ride off into the sunset with their knight in shining armor. And surprisingly enough...I got all that and more. Without going into too many of the mushy details, I had found the love of my life and we were going to be together forever. It is a rarity these days to date one person, kiss one person, and marry one person, but me being the hopeless romantic that I am thought this was how my life was going to unfold. As each anniversary passed, the idea of us being high school sweethearts became more and more real. You start to make plans for the future and plan your life around this person, and before you know it you have your wedding colors picked out and a first and middle name for all 10 of your future children. However, time brought maturity and maturity brought reality. Our carefree innocence was long gone and we had gown apart. 

It's September 24, 2012. I get a phone call from him saying he is outside. I had seen him on my doorstep many many times, but never like this. He looked sad, but calm. We shared countless hello's and goodbye's at that doorstep; he picked me up for our first date at that exact spot 3 years prior, but I did not recognize him at that very moment. Every memory that the two of us ever shared was completely erased from my mind. I was staring face to face with a stranger. I knew what was coming before the words even left his mouth. It was over in the blink of an eye. Three years gone in an instant. We cried, we said our goodbye's, and then it was over. He left and never looked back. I had lost my boyfriend, my best friend, and my first love. I was heartbroken, confused, worried, upset...but the strangest emotion I was feeling was peace. There was a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I felt relieved for some reason. It was is if God had been preparing me for that moment for a very long time. He wasn't my knight in shining armor anymore, he wasn't the love of my life, he wasn't any of the things he promised he would be at the beginning of our relationship....I just couldn't see it. I was pushing something that wasn't meant to be. We didn't do anything wrong, we aren't bad people, we still care about each other, but we aren't soul mates. I don't regret one thing about our relationship. I cherish every moment we spent together and I am so grateful for every lesson I learned. He taught me so much about about life, love, and myself; who I am as a girlfriend, as a friend, and just a person in general. He is someone I will tell my grandchildren about, but not someone I will have grandchildren with. 

So here I am, one month later, trying desperately to reinvent myself. I'm a little bit more grumpy than I used to be, and a lot more bitter. Taylor Swift's new song "Begin Again" says it perfectly: "...I've been spending the past 8 months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end..." Like I said, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I've always been fond of love stories, weddings, and chick flicks, so I hate having this new mindset where I think love is basically crap. I want to move on already, get back to my old self, trust again, and keep on living. I want to be strong and independent, but am not sure how to do that because I was dependent on him for so long. The last time I was single I was 16 years old. I am a completely different person now! I can't remember how to be on my own. It has been a lonely past few weeks. I have had many many low points, but also had tons of high moments as well! So far it's been a difficult journey, but I figure it can only get easier. There must be a light at the end of the tunnel. In the mean time I have made a small list of goals for myself. These are goals that will help me to stay positive, they will point me towards the future instead of dwelling on the past, and they will help me become the independent young lady I know I can be. (See List Below). 

I feel as though I have had a good reason to put my blogging on hold. I needed time to process what I had gone through before I put my experience into words. Since then I have taken up hobbies such as painting, song writing, and reading. They are all coping mechanisms that seem to really be helping! I am excited to get back into blogging and documenting my thoughts and advice, whether its fashion advice, or relationship advice. 

This is just one chapter in my book, and I'm ready to keep writing. 

GOALS:
1. Rebuild my relationship with God. 
2. Rebuild my relationships with my family and friends. 
3. Make more friends. 
4. Finish my associates degree this semester. 
5. Go to Cosmetology school.
6. Lose 50 pounds.
7. Read 10 books before Christmas. 

I've always been a huge country fan, but as of recently, that is ALL I LISTEN TOO. 107.9 The New KMLE Country is where it's AT! But I don't mind the occasional 102.5 KNIX :) However, at the beginning of the summer, "Pontoon" by Little Big Town played over and over and over and over again. It was  constantly getting #1 on the charts and I just did NOT understand. 3 months ago I would ripped this song to pieces. Like, "Little Big Town? What kind of name is that?" And "What's with the stupid Banjo?" However...I am proud to announce that Pontoon is now one of my........*drum roll please*........ FAVORITE SONGS!!!! It is SO catchy now! It's great for cruisin' with the windows down, getting ready in the morning, or just hanging out with your friends! Also, the music video is pretty sweet! As you watch it I would like you to ponder one question though: [["Motor Boatin'"]] ACTUAL Motor Boating or Sexual Innuendo? They have me stumped! 

No. 7 Illuminating Lotion: Before/After

Before

After

 

As you can see, there isn't a huge difference. However, you can see in the apples of my cheeks and the bridge of my nose that it is a significantly brighter than in the first photo. I like the way that it looks and it's super easy to apply! Normally I use a white matte eye shadow to highlight, but I will definitely be adding this product into my daily makeup routine.  For $12.00 I feel like this was a great buy! 

Boots No. 7 Illuminating Lotion

Just bought Boots No. 7 High Lights Illuminating Lotion (1oz) for $12.00 at Target! This is the dupe for Benefit High Beam (.45 oz) for $26.00 at Sephora! What a steal! I can't wait to try it out. 

Pictures to come :) 

Something Great Will Come Of It

As you look over my Blog, you may be thinking to yourself, "What does Twenty Seconds mean?" or "Who the heck is Benjamin Mee?" Well, the confusion stops here. The quote that you see above is my all time FAVORITE quote. It is from the movie "We Bought A Zoo" which is based on a true story about a father (Benjamin Mee) who moves his family to the country side to help re-open a struggling Zoo. There is a scene near the end of the movie where Benjamin's son comes to him asking for relationship advice, and he tells him that if he just has 20 seconds of insane courage, something great will come of it. 

Honestly, I was very hesitant while making this blog. The entire time I was thinking, "What If Nobody Reads It?" or "What if nobody thinks I'm funny?" or "What if people think It's boring?" But WHO CARES. I have always struggled with self-confidence, ever since I was a little girl. I care way too much about what people think of me, and I let it effect every decision that I make. Even If I only1 person out of a thousand were to make fun of me, or laugh at me, or think I'm weird for doing something... I  would stop myself from doing it. I am not proud of this. I WISH I didn't care about what people thought of me...because I might be able to go to school without makeup every once in awhile, or order a double-double at In-n-Out and not be worried that someone might be judging me!! So I took this quote, and I have used it daily over the past year and let me tell you...it hasn't been easy, but the difference it has made in my life is unbelievable. 20 seconds of bravery is all it takes. I want to challenge everyone who reads this to try it! At LEAST once! 

So. Want to know what my blog going to be about? Nothing!  This is a random blog where I am going to post stupid pictures of cats getting caught in vacuum's, give fashion advice, talk bad about crazy celebrities, or occasionally chat about my life! And If I only have one reader...awesome. Thanks for reading my blog! Ha! 
I've always been horrible at blogging, but I'm giving it another chance. 
Here goes nothing!