Begin Again

It has been awhile since I sat down to write a blog post. My last entry was over a month ago. It's not because I was lazy or had lost interest in the idea of blogging, I think I just assumed that I would use my blog to show readers what a day in my "perfect" life looked like, and it turned out to be quite the opposite. I wanted to post about love and happiness and beauty and fashion and friends and family, but leave all of the negatives out. I always looked at blogging as a diary. A diary that you aren't afraid to show others. A journal that doesn't have a lock and a key. However, when things in my life got messy, I felt embarrassed. I no longer wanted to let people in and get a front row seat to what really goes on in my life. I put on this act like I'm overwhelmingly confident, and I have a perfect family, tons of friends, and I have my life all put together, but in reality I have none of those things. I feel as though I need to completely start over. When I began writing this blog I was in a completely different place than I am now. I have had a lot of changes happen over the past month and it's time for a fresh start. Before I post anymore music videos, beauty tips, or random facts, I feel like I need to share this new version of me that I am becoming. I need to begin again. 

Three years ago I was an awkward, insecure 16 year old who wanted one thing and one thing only. True Love. I had never been in love before. I had never even had a boyfriend! I had no idea what love was like, but I knew that I wanted it. I wanted to be like the girls in the movies who have summer love, or kiss the quarterback after the homecoming game, or ride off into the sunset with their knight in shining armor. And surprisingly enough...I got all that and more. Without going into too many of the mushy details, I had found the love of my life and we were going to be together forever. It is a rarity these days to date one person, kiss one person, and marry one person, but me being the hopeless romantic that I am thought this was how my life was going to unfold. As each anniversary passed, the idea of us being high school sweethearts became more and more real. You start to make plans for the future and plan your life around this person, and before you know it you have your wedding colors picked out and a first and middle name for all 10 of your future children. However, time brought maturity and maturity brought reality. Our carefree innocence was long gone and we had gown apart. 

It's September 24, 2012. I get a phone call from him saying he is outside. I had seen him on my doorstep many many times, but never like this. He looked sad, but calm. We shared countless hello's and goodbye's at that doorstep; he picked me up for our first date at that exact spot 3 years prior, but I did not recognize him at that very moment. Every memory that the two of us ever shared was completely erased from my mind. I was staring face to face with a stranger. I knew what was coming before the words even left his mouth. It was over in the blink of an eye. Three years gone in an instant. We cried, we said our goodbye's, and then it was over. He left and never looked back. I had lost my boyfriend, my best friend, and my first love. I was heartbroken, confused, worried, upset...but the strangest emotion I was feeling was peace. There was a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I felt relieved for some reason. It was is if God had been preparing me for that moment for a very long time. He wasn't my knight in shining armor anymore, he wasn't the love of my life, he wasn't any of the things he promised he would be at the beginning of our relationship....I just couldn't see it. I was pushing something that wasn't meant to be. We didn't do anything wrong, we aren't bad people, we still care about each other, but we aren't soul mates. I don't regret one thing about our relationship. I cherish every moment we spent together and I am so grateful for every lesson I learned. He taught me so much about about life, love, and myself; who I am as a girlfriend, as a friend, and just a person in general. He is someone I will tell my grandchildren about, but not someone I will have grandchildren with. 

So here I am, one month later, trying desperately to reinvent myself. I'm a little bit more grumpy than I used to be, and a lot more bitter. Taylor Swift's new song "Begin Again" says it perfectly: "...I've been spending the past 8 months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end..." Like I said, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I've always been fond of love stories, weddings, and chick flicks, so I hate having this new mindset where I think love is basically crap. I want to move on already, get back to my old self, trust again, and keep on living. I want to be strong and independent, but am not sure how to do that because I was dependent on him for so long. The last time I was single I was 16 years old. I am a completely different person now! I can't remember how to be on my own. It has been a lonely past few weeks. I have had many many low points, but also had tons of high moments as well! So far it's been a difficult journey, but I figure it can only get easier. There must be a light at the end of the tunnel. In the mean time I have made a small list of goals for myself. These are goals that will help me to stay positive, they will point me towards the future instead of dwelling on the past, and they will help me become the independent young lady I know I can be. (See List Below). 

I feel as though I have had a good reason to put my blogging on hold. I needed time to process what I had gone through before I put my experience into words. Since then I have taken up hobbies such as painting, song writing, and reading. They are all coping mechanisms that seem to really be helping! I am excited to get back into blogging and documenting my thoughts and advice, whether its fashion advice, or relationship advice. 

This is just one chapter in my book, and I'm ready to keep writing. 

GOALS:
1. Rebuild my relationship with God. 
2. Rebuild my relationships with my family and friends. 
3. Make more friends. 
4. Finish my associates degree this semester. 
5. Go to Cosmetology school.
6. Lose 50 pounds.
7. Read 10 books before Christmas.