Hopeless Romantic

Hopeless Romantics believe in passion, chivalry, and true love. They have loved sincerely at one point in their life, discovered what love feels like, and continue to love everyone they meet. Hopeless Romantics are usually dreamers or idealists. They are in love with love. They live for happy endings and base their lives on fairy tales and romantic comedies. They are constantly getting their hearts broken and dealing with disappointments. The reason I know this is because I have been a hopeless romantic my entire life. I was "that girl" who saved fabric swatches in shoeboxes just incase I needed a sample of my wedding colors one day, or I wouldn't play house unless I was the mom because I wanted to be the only in the game who got to have husband, but probably the most pathetic thing I ever did as a child was if I was ever in the car during a thunderstorm I would gaze out the window longingly pretending like I was Annie James from Parent Trap returning home to London... But if you can believe it, I have gotten worse with age... I record every movie on Lifetime, I only read books where the characters live "happily ever after", and when I see an elderly couple I almost always introduce myself, ask them how long they've been married, and insist they tell me the story of how they met. Being a hopeless romantic can be whimsical or magical at times, but it has also had a very negative effect on my life as well. I set bars extremely high for myself and for other people, at almost unreachable heights, and have been let down many times. I always expect scenarios in my life to turn out like how they do in movies. The girl gets reunited with her long lost father, she lands the promotion at work, she meets the man of her dreams, and not only do they have 2 perfect children together, they also happen to live in a 2 story cottage on the countryside, with a cocker spaniel named Lucy. Let's just say I won't be getting a dog anytime soon...

I want to relate this trait of mine to my topic of choice over the past couple months. Although there are a lot of negative side effects that go along with being a hopeless romantic, I also love this about myself! It makes life interesting. However, as of late, I've tend to drift away from this mindset and have become almost bitter towards it. Especially with the Christmas season in full swing there is so much love in the air, and I'm just not feeling it. I've always loved Christmas, but for the past three years I've experienced Christmas in a new light. It's been about walking through the malls holding hands, sharing hot cocoa, exchanging gifts with that someone special, and cuddling by the fireplace... now I look at couples who are happy and experiencing that same joy that I had felt in prior years and I hate them! Now I know that's not a very nice thing to say, but I told you all I was going to be honest while writing this blog... I see the pictures of adorable text messages on Instagram and I don't like them on purpose. Or when I'm flipping through the channels and there is a cheesy holiday chick flick on about a girl who finds her soul mate on Christmas Eve, I change it...I can't even watch The Grinch or Scrooge because even those movies have happy endings. I've turned into this grumpy jerk who doesn't think anyone should have love because she doesn't. I must say, it is comforting knowing that there are a lot of other single girls out there who are going through the exact same situation as me, who are just as bitter as I am. But this isn't who I am and this isn't who I want to be... I need to find a way to love the little things again. 

This is the part of the post where I would normally come up with a solution to this problem...but I got nothing. I'm looking for suggestions! Is this just a phase that everyone goes through after a break up? Will I eventually move past the anger and not cringe whenever I pass a jewelry store? I'm assuming it just takes time...but I thought I'd ask to be sure. Like I said before I want to be a role model for other girls who are going through tough break-ups but I don't have all the answers. I can only teach on the lessons that I have learned, and I am still struggling through this one... 

The Follow-Up

It has been five weeks since my last post. If you refer back to that post I told all of you that I was going to be more consistent with my blog and post on it more frequently. I honestly thought I was going to be able to follow through with that statement, but I was so overwhelmed by the amazing feedback I received that I had no idea how to follow that post.

I feel that a follow-up post is needed. I'm not sure how many readers I have, but for the people that did read my last entry and have continued to support me and pray for me, I want to fill you in on the many successes and failures I've had over the past five weeks. Now, thhis is going to have to be gradual. There are so many ups and downs and moments that I want to share with you and am willing to share with you, but I don't want to overwhelm you and give it to you all at once. So I am going to begin by sharing one of the largest obstacles I've had, and that is the fear of being alone...

Every day is a challenge. Being independent and figuring out who I am as an individual is a lot more difficult than I had anticipated. You don't realize how much you depend on or rely on someone until they aren't there for you anymore. When I first started on this "Journey to Independence"there were a lot of lonely days and terrifying nights. I would find myself trying to fill that void in my life by constantly being surrounded by people. If I was home alone for more than 10 minutes, I'd get in my car and just drive to the mall, because I knew I wouldn't be alone there. Although I have quite a few acquaintances, I only have a small handful of really close friends, and if those friends couldn't make themselves available to me I'd become filled with anxiety. The thought of being alone is one of my biggest fears. I'd sit awake at night praying to God, telling Him that I am willing to be patient as long as I am 100% certain that He has someone out there specifically designed for me. That way I'd know I wouldn't be lonely forever. When the clocks strike 11:11 I'd wish for more friendships. It sounds almost naive and a little pathetic, but in my eyes, the more friends that I had, the less sad I'd be. Now I realize that this is unhealthy. Although I have the most amazing best friends and a family who would move mountains to be there for me, I shouldn't need them in order to make it through my day. It is okay to be alone at times, I believe it's actually encouraged! However, sitting by myself in silence causes my mind to wander and I start to worry and become stressed. So over the past few weeks I have turned alone time into God time. Whether that's reading my bible or journalling, I'm still technically by myself, but I am being comforted knowing that God is right there with me. These moments between me and God have been so powerful. I'm learning things about Him and about myself that I didn't even know I was missing. I chose Jeremiah 29:11 as my Life Verse at a very young age. For those of you that don't know; it says, "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"I have probably read that verse a thousand times, but always out of context. A couple of days ago God laid Jeremiah on my heart. This time however, instead of only reading verse 11, I decided to read all of Chapter 29. Upon doing this I discovered that the most powerful words in this chapter aren't in verse 11, they are in fact in verses 12 through 14. God continues to say, "'Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you' ..." Now I realize I have sort of gone astray from the beginning of this paragraph, but we need to pause and have a little "come-to-Jesus" moment. God literally says I am listening to you, and if you want me in your life that bad then I will be there for you. So yes, God knows my future and knows the plans that He has for me, but He has also just promised that He is going to keep me in the loop of what's going on and He will never abandon me! So cool right?! So I don't need to feel alone, or worried, or scared, because the King of Kings, The Messiah has got my back. 

I think I am going to stop here. I have so much more that I want to share, but like I said, I want to spread it out so I don't overwhelm you. This experience has turned me into somewhat of a role model for other girls going through a similar situation. There has been at least three occurrences since my last post where someone has come to me looking for guidance, so I hope that this post has encouraged you and showed you that you're not alone. Even when it feels like your world is crashing all around you, you can always count on one constant in your life, and that is God. He loves you, He is jealous for you, and He wants nothing more than to walk you through your suffering if you're willing to let Him.