Begin Again

It has been awhile since I sat down to write a blog post. My last entry was over a month ago. It's not because I was lazy or had lost interest in the idea of blogging, I think I just assumed that I would use my blog to show readers what a day in my "perfect" life looked like, and it turned out to be quite the opposite. I wanted to post about love and happiness and beauty and fashion and friends and family, but leave all of the negatives out. I always looked at blogging as a diary. A diary that you aren't afraid to show others. A journal that doesn't have a lock and a key. However, when things in my life got messy, I felt embarrassed. I no longer wanted to let people in and get a front row seat to what really goes on in my life. I put on this act like I'm overwhelmingly confident, and I have a perfect family, tons of friends, and I have my life all put together, but in reality I have none of those things. I feel as though I need to completely start over. When I began writing this blog I was in a completely different place than I am now. I have had a lot of changes happen over the past month and it's time for a fresh start. Before I post anymore music videos, beauty tips, or random facts, I feel like I need to share this new version of me that I am becoming. I need to begin again. 

Three years ago I was an awkward, insecure 16 year old who wanted one thing and one thing only. True Love. I had never been in love before. I had never even had a boyfriend! I had no idea what love was like, but I knew that I wanted it. I wanted to be like the girls in the movies who have summer love, or kiss the quarterback after the homecoming game, or ride off into the sunset with their knight in shining armor. And surprisingly enough...I got all that and more. Without going into too many of the mushy details, I had found the love of my life and we were going to be together forever. It is a rarity these days to date one person, kiss one person, and marry one person, but me being the hopeless romantic that I am thought this was how my life was going to unfold. As each anniversary passed, the idea of us being high school sweethearts became more and more real. You start to make plans for the future and plan your life around this person, and before you know it you have your wedding colors picked out and a first and middle name for all 10 of your future children. However, time brought maturity and maturity brought reality. Our carefree innocence was long gone and we had gown apart. 

It's September 24, 2012. I get a phone call from him saying he is outside. I had seen him on my doorstep many many times, but never like this. He looked sad, but calm. We shared countless hello's and goodbye's at that doorstep; he picked me up for our first date at that exact spot 3 years prior, but I did not recognize him at that very moment. Every memory that the two of us ever shared was completely erased from my mind. I was staring face to face with a stranger. I knew what was coming before the words even left his mouth. It was over in the blink of an eye. Three years gone in an instant. We cried, we said our goodbye's, and then it was over. He left and never looked back. I had lost my boyfriend, my best friend, and my first love. I was heartbroken, confused, worried, upset...but the strangest emotion I was feeling was peace. There was a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I felt relieved for some reason. It was is if God had been preparing me for that moment for a very long time. He wasn't my knight in shining armor anymore, he wasn't the love of my life, he wasn't any of the things he promised he would be at the beginning of our relationship....I just couldn't see it. I was pushing something that wasn't meant to be. We didn't do anything wrong, we aren't bad people, we still care about each other, but we aren't soul mates. I don't regret one thing about our relationship. I cherish every moment we spent together and I am so grateful for every lesson I learned. He taught me so much about about life, love, and myself; who I am as a girlfriend, as a friend, and just a person in general. He is someone I will tell my grandchildren about, but not someone I will have grandchildren with. 

So here I am, one month later, trying desperately to reinvent myself. I'm a little bit more grumpy than I used to be, and a lot more bitter. Taylor Swift's new song "Begin Again" says it perfectly: "...I've been spending the past 8 months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end..." Like I said, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I've always been fond of love stories, weddings, and chick flicks, so I hate having this new mindset where I think love is basically crap. I want to move on already, get back to my old self, trust again, and keep on living. I want to be strong and independent, but am not sure how to do that because I was dependent on him for so long. The last time I was single I was 16 years old. I am a completely different person now! I can't remember how to be on my own. It has been a lonely past few weeks. I have had many many low points, but also had tons of high moments as well! So far it's been a difficult journey, but I figure it can only get easier. There must be a light at the end of the tunnel. In the mean time I have made a small list of goals for myself. These are goals that will help me to stay positive, they will point me towards the future instead of dwelling on the past, and they will help me become the independent young lady I know I can be. (See List Below). 

I feel as though I have had a good reason to put my blogging on hold. I needed time to process what I had gone through before I put my experience into words. Since then I have taken up hobbies such as painting, song writing, and reading. They are all coping mechanisms that seem to really be helping! I am excited to get back into blogging and documenting my thoughts and advice, whether its fashion advice, or relationship advice. 

This is just one chapter in my book, and I'm ready to keep writing. 

GOALS:
1. Rebuild my relationship with God. 
2. Rebuild my relationships with my family and friends. 
3. Make more friends. 
4. Finish my associates degree this semester. 
5. Go to Cosmetology school.
6. Lose 50 pounds.
7. Read 10 books before Christmas. 

I've always been a huge country fan, but as of recently, that is ALL I LISTEN TOO. 107.9 The New KMLE Country is where it's AT! But I don't mind the occasional 102.5 KNIX :) However, at the beginning of the summer, "Pontoon" by Little Big Town played over and over and over and over again. It was  constantly getting #1 on the charts and I just did NOT understand. 3 months ago I would ripped this song to pieces. Like, "Little Big Town? What kind of name is that?" And "What's with the stupid Banjo?" However...I am proud to announce that Pontoon is now one of my........*drum roll please*........ FAVORITE SONGS!!!! It is SO catchy now! It's great for cruisin' with the windows down, getting ready in the morning, or just hanging out with your friends! Also, the music video is pretty sweet! As you watch it I would like you to ponder one question though: [["Motor Boatin'"]] ACTUAL Motor Boating or Sexual Innuendo? They have me stumped! 

No. 7 Illuminating Lotion: Before/After

Before

After

 

As you can see, there isn't a huge difference. However, you can see in the apples of my cheeks and the bridge of my nose that it is a significantly brighter than in the first photo. I like the way that it looks and it's super easy to apply! Normally I use a white matte eye shadow to highlight, but I will definitely be adding this product into my daily makeup routine.  For $12.00 I feel like this was a great buy! 

Boots No. 7 Illuminating Lotion

Just bought Boots No. 7 High Lights Illuminating Lotion (1oz) for $12.00 at Target! This is the dupe for Benefit High Beam (.45 oz) for $26.00 at Sephora! What a steal! I can't wait to try it out. 

Pictures to come :) 

Something Great Will Come Of It

As you look over my Blog, you may be thinking to yourself, "What does Twenty Seconds mean?" or "Who the heck is Benjamin Mee?" Well, the confusion stops here. The quote that you see above is my all time FAVORITE quote. It is from the movie "We Bought A Zoo" which is based on a true story about a father (Benjamin Mee) who moves his family to the country side to help re-open a struggling Zoo. There is a scene near the end of the movie where Benjamin's son comes to him asking for relationship advice, and he tells him that if he just has 20 seconds of insane courage, something great will come of it. 

Honestly, I was very hesitant while making this blog. The entire time I was thinking, "What If Nobody Reads It?" or "What if nobody thinks I'm funny?" or "What if people think It's boring?" But WHO CARES. I have always struggled with self-confidence, ever since I was a little girl. I care way too much about what people think of me, and I let it effect every decision that I make. Even If I only1 person out of a thousand were to make fun of me, or laugh at me, or think I'm weird for doing something... I  would stop myself from doing it. I am not proud of this. I WISH I didn't care about what people thought of me...because I might be able to go to school without makeup every once in awhile, or order a double-double at In-n-Out and not be worried that someone might be judging me!! So I took this quote, and I have used it daily over the past year and let me tell you...it hasn't been easy, but the difference it has made in my life is unbelievable. 20 seconds of bravery is all it takes. I want to challenge everyone who reads this to try it! At LEAST once! 

So. Want to know what my blog going to be about? Nothing!  This is a random blog where I am going to post stupid pictures of cats getting caught in vacuum's, give fashion advice, talk bad about crazy celebrities, or occasionally chat about my life! And If I only have one reader...awesome. Thanks for reading my blog! Ha! 
I've always been horrible at blogging, but I'm giving it another chance. 
Here goes nothing!